This article was inspired by my breakout session at the CHART Boston 110 Hospitality Training Conference.

A few lessons about giving, receiving, and actually doing something with feedback.

There are some sentences that can change the energy in a room almost instantly.

“Can I give you some feedback?”

Yep. That’ll do it.

At CHART 110 in Boston, I had the best time facilitating two breakout sessions on How to Deliver & Receive Feedback That Builds People (Not Breaks Them). Both sessions were full of conversation, laughter, practice, and – my favorite part – CHART members sharing their own experiences and perspectives.

Somewhere between talking about brain science and watching a room full of hospitality trainers participate in feedback speed dating (yes, that was a real thing), one idea kept coming back:

Feedback is hard because it’s human.

We’re complicated humans trying to communicate with other complicated humans. Of course it gets messy. The goal isn’t to eliminate the discomfort. It’s to get better at navigating it.

Your brain has entered the chat

Feedback isn’t processed through logic alone. Our brains are constantly scanning for social threat. David Rock’s SCARF Model helps explain why. Feedback can poke at our sense of status, certainty, autonomy, relatedness, and fairness – sometimes several at once.

Suddenly, the person receiving feedback isn’t only hearing your message. Somewhere in the background, their brain may also be asking:

  •  Do you still respect me? 
  • Are we okay?
  • Is this fair?
  • Do I have a say in what happens next?

That doesn’t mean leaders lower the expectation. Lower the threat, never the standard. That might be one of my favorite takeaways from the entire session.

Before you prepare the words, prepare yourself

We spend a lot of time thinking about what we’re going to say and considerably less time thinking about how we’re showing up. Enter HALT. Before a challenging conversation, ask: Am I Hungry, Angry, Lonely/disconnected, or Tired?

A dysregulated brain isn’t exactly prime coaching material.

You don’t need perfect conditions to give feedback, but sometimes strong leadership sounds like, “This conversation matters—and I’ll handle it better an hour from now than I will right now.”

Clarity is kinder than comfort

And now, with love, I would like to retire one of feedback’s greatest hits:

The feedback sandwich.
Compliment. Criticism. Compliment.

A lovely little leadership club sandwich that often makes us feel more comfortable without giving the other person much clarity.

Instead, start with what actually happened. I use the SBI framework:

  • Situation: When and where?
  • Behavior: What did you actually see or hear?
  • Impact: Why did it matter?

Then keep going. Invite their perspective. Clarify what needs to happen next. Ask what support would help. And follow up. Because vague feedback protects our comfort—not their growth.

Plot twist: receiving it might be harder

We spend a lot of time talking about having the courage to give feedback.

Then someone gives it to us, and suddenly we would like to provide several pieces of missing context, defend our intentions, question their timing, and perhaps submit supporting documentation.

Human.

Receiving feedback is a leadership skill too.

The shift I challenged participants to practice was simple: Defensiveness → Curiosity

Instead of immediately explaining, ask:

  • Can you share an example?
  • What impact did you notice?
  • What would success look like?
  • What’s one thing you’d like me to try?

And remember that while the delivery may be imperfect. The message may still be useful.

You don’t have to accept every piece of feedback as absolute truth. But give yourself enough space to look for the signal before dismissing it because you didn’t love the packaging.

Feedback without follow-up is a wish

This may be the biggest one. A beautifully delivered feedback conversation followed by absolutely nothing is not behavior change. It’s a hopeful suggestion.

Feedback becomes culture through what happens afterward: recognition, coaching, reinforcement, accountability, and checking back in.

A simple leadership habit I shared in Boston is to regularly ask yourself:

  • Who needs recognition?
  • Who needs coaching?
  • Who needs clarity?
  • Who needs encouragement?
  • And what conversation am I avoiding?

That last question usually knows exactly where to find us.

One conversation. One commitment.

We ended the session by asking participants to identify one feedback conversation they were ready to have.

Not ten. One.

Because we don’t become better at feedback by waiting until we feel completely comfortable. We get better by having the conversation, reflecting, adjusting, and trying again.

Practice makes progress.

So, lead with care. Speak with clarity. Follow up.

And maybe have that conversation you’ve been carrying around.

Because feedback isn’t about fixing people. It’s about believing they’re capable of what’s next.